randomness at its finest

coming through in the clutch

Aug 12, 2008
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its no secret the convention/symposium is damn near here (less than a month) and the workplace has somehow morphed into the bronx zoo. im tired, so tired of the ole workie work. at a low point today, nursing my fourth cup of java for the hour (ive cut back from 6), i received a phone call from a gentleman named barry. now this dude with the unusually girlish voice just jumped right into his spiel and congratulated me for winning FREE CHIPOTLE for the office! nothing like a little free chipotes to pull a girl through. way to go chipotle you made my day!

how to survive early mornings at the office

Aug 8, 2008
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when arriving at work ass early (7am) you must follow several key procedures in order to survive the morning.

1st-be sure to scope out the scene upon arrival. this will let you know what other crazies are working ungodly hours and who you may need to accidentally* bump into/avoid.

2. after scoping out the scene you then determine a plan of action. certain types of plans include:

a) the looking productive route/actually being productive. say you have some higher ups in that are burning the midnight oil. they may see you there and think, "wow that cait arrives early and is already working hard ON A FRIDAY!. amazing!" also this plan may be crucial if you actually have work that is crucial you get done. note: you can also look productive by sending out emails early in the morning when you arrive. disclaimer: this sometimes may back fire and piss people off tho as most "with the new technology" folk carry blackberrys and you may have just woken them up with your attempt to look productive.

b) take a nap/relax and take it easy till 9. this is often my preferred plan of attack. more often than not at my company folks stroll in pretty late (this means after 9am but before 10) on friday. secondly- not many folks here actually do much work on fridays bc they are usually burned out from the week. [side bar: did you know that most state workers in utah only work four days?] so when you arrive at 7 and chose the nap method here is what you do:

-set yourself up nice and proper facing your monitor and place your hands on the keyboard. open a technical program on your computer that no one else in the office will initially recognize. you may ask why here. well, this is so if someone does happen to stroll by while you are napping and looks at your monitor and doesnt see you typing away they may ponder and think, "wow that program sure is complex and probably requires frequent pauses to determine the next plan of action.

-turn off any music you have playing or any heater/fan you are using. these devices create unnecessary noise and you will need your ears to focus on certain noises in the office. these noises include but are not limited to, elevator dings (crucial-it lets you know to perk up, someone is on your floor), door clicks (another mode of entry to your floor), copier noises, footsteps (easy to detect approaching females, not so easy with males). one other important detail. be sure that your computer screen saver is not set to go off. this will prevent you from looking like a tool and blowing your cover. if it does go off and someone notices you may be sleeping and approaches you have one last resort. this is crucial! stay calm, do not open your eyes! (i know, sounds stupid but trust me) when you feel them get close slowly bow your head and move your hands crossing your chest, then your forehead (like catholics do) and say "Amen."

-close your eyes and enjoy sweet bliss.

-now in all strategic plans there is an emergency plan. this is also called the "shit happens plan," according to VK. this is what you follow when things did not go according to plan, i.e. someone sees you with your eyes closed, you forgot to turn your screensaver off, youve been caught, ect;

1. remain clam
2. keep your eyes closed and stay still (trust me on this one)
3. when you feel the person near pull your hands towards your chest
4. as they are right on you/touch you, do not react
5. touch your right hand to your chest and cross side to side then to the forehead and back down (like catholics do)
6. lastly so the person can hear but not loudly say "Amen!"
7. then you turn around and say, "im sorry, what can i help you with?" (at this point they will probably feel like the biggest DB ever and you will have safely recovered. it doesnt matter whether you truly are religious or not- no one can mess with religious freedom in the workplace! yay for the 1st amendment and saving your ass)

-if you do chose to take the safer route and just goof around online (like i have done this morning) be sure you make yourself comfortable but also keep key programs open. in the event someone does suddenly approach you can quickly switch out of facebook, myspace, vox, drudge report, perez hilton, ect; and into dreamweaver, excel, access, ect; by using the alt tab keys. also, try to listen to something peppy but not too loud. this morning i opened pandora and apparently it was on diana krall. yea...no so good for early morning work. this kind of mellow choice will put you straight to sleep. desperately trying to sleep without a set plan is a recipe for disaster. trust me. once a staff assistant here got caught sleeping on the job. she is no longer with us. she probably works for giant or safeway grocery store as a bagger. dont be that poor soul.

*all plans strategized by cait are intentional and planned. you are only appearing to have bumped into someone by accident.

and on that happy note im going to make myself a waffle. toodles!

get me atta here

Aug 7, 2008
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oh this job sometimes makes me crazy...lets take a mini vacay to my golf tourney this weekend. in proper cait form ive developed a list to prepare, that of course is the first crucial step.

caits BA prep list
molten hot lava golf bag-check
brand new custom hottness fit ladies golf glove-check
top of the line fierce as ever hybrids, irons, putter and one used handy driver-check
to infinity and beyond proV1 golf balls-check
super fly nike dry fit shirt so preciously ordered by carly-check
conpletely awesome bad ass self-check

all other deets will have to wait till game day. for now im totes reds. lets do this folks.

broken. toe.

Jul 17, 2008
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We'll peeps it a sad day today in Cait world.

Last week while I was giving my my dear friend little E, aka Dale Earnhart Jr karate lessons, yes I'm a 3rd degree black belt champion, or certified badass as I like to call it…..we heard some strange sounds coming from the guest house.

All of the sudden I look to see a brown spec out of the corner of my eye. I look down and NO I haven't finished my tequila, so I can't be dreaming, in front of me is a brown bear with wearing a space suit*.

Little E just blurts out, "no worries Cait--Put down the bowie knife" (which I had inadvertently picked up at of shear instinct.) "He's here to pick up the bunny"

"Bunny?" Oh the BUNNY!!! Of course! i then pull the white bunny that was duct taped to the side of my kimono (yes I practice karate(pronounced Kara-TAY) in a kimono*)) and chuck the duct tapped bunny at the bear.

Only, while doing so..i felt a sharp pain run up my foot. CRICKEY! It didnt occur to me before but aparently my little toe was caught up in my kimono. As I threw the duct tapped bunny over to the brown bear in the spacesuit I over corrected trying to regain balance. This is when my socked foot in the flip flop fell off the piling I was balancing on and my toe broke. Ouchies!

Anyways, im fine. No worries. Go TEAM.

*bonus points

are you prepared for a velociraptor attack?

Jun 24, 2008
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pertinent update: according to the American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention (ASVAP) we are coming up on velociraptor season! are you prepared?

for those of you who are not familiar with ASVAP, they are a bi-partisan group of professionals, dedicated to the diffusion of knowledge concerning velociraptor attack prevention. knowledge is power. if you live in fear that your precious home may one day be invaded by a pack of wild velociraptors here are some helpful tips to keep you safe.

Velociraptor compared in size to a human. Courtesy: Wikipedia

Know the Enemy

The velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned snout. It bores a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal blow.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands, converted to millionarie amusement parks, but are most commonly sighted in the pacific northwest. however, there is reason to believe a large pack of adult velociraptor and their young are migrating east (according to high tech g7 laser beam transmitters). it is likely this pack of vicious dinosaurs will pose a threat to those residents of the majority of new england states. some have even been spotted heading far south as georgia. of the essential facts you should know about velociraptors:

Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around its prey.
Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s², with a top speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s while wounded, and 10 m/s in indoor labratories.
Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial door in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent door.
Velociraptors do not know fear.

New Home Buyer Tips

When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks:

Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the average raptor.
Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot.
Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember, you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron. in fact to ensure ultimate safety keep one on your being at all times. velociraptors have sometimes been known to climb/fall down chimneys. make sure those are bolted shut.

Meet the Neighbors

Do you know if your neighbors are raptors? Take the quiz and find out.

i hope this information will prove useful in case of an attack. tune in during july to hear survivors share their vicious and gorey encounters with the savage creatures.

arctic tundra or meat locker, you choose

Jun 19, 2008
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seriously peeps. we are in an energy crisis, why on earth is my office -14 degrees right now?

im starting to worry...my hands are becoming numb and im having trouble getting anything done...

according to wikipedia: Hypothermia

the first stage-

1. body temperature drops by 1-2°C below normal temperature (35-38°C). i dont have a thermometer but this is likely.
2. Mild to strong shivering occurs. check!
3.The victim is unable to perform complex tasks with the hands; the hands become numb. check!
4.Blood vessels in the outer extremities constrict, lessening heat loss to the outside air. check!
5.Breathing becomes quick and shallow. not quite.
6.Goose bumps form, raising body hair on end in an attempt to create an insulating layer of air around the body (which is of limited use in humans due to lack of sufficient hair, but useful in other species). check!
7. Often, a person will experience a warm sensation, as if they have recovered, but they are in fact heading into Stage two. Another test to see if the person is entering stage two is if they are unable to touch their thumb with their little finger; this is the first stage of muscles not working. not quite.

someone call the fire department, this ones out of control!

and i love lemons

Jun 18, 2008
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who doesnt appreciate a little lemon action? (you dont need to answer that) anyway...in the midst of the gabillion things i did today i found this neat list. im pretty list happy lately...per the youge...enjoy!

10 Uses for lemons

thanks to http://www.realsimple.com/realsimple/gallery/print/0,22304,1030084,00.html for these useful tips

1. Sanitize a chopping block. Run a slice of lemon over the surface to disinfect.
2. Eliminate the browning that occurs when food sits out too long. Sprinkle apple or pear slices with lemon juice before serving, or squeeze a bit into guacamole and give it a stir.
3. Remove tough food stains from plastic and light-colored wooden cutting boards. Slice a lemon in half, squeeze the juice onto the soiled surface, rub, and let sit for 20 minutes. Rinse with water.
4. Fade tea stains on cloth. Dilute lemon juice with an equal amount of water. Use an eyedropper or a Q-tip to make sure the juice targets the stain. Thoroughly flush with cool water.
5. Decorate on the cheap. Fill a glass bowl with lemons for a sunny centerpiece. Or display a row of them along a windowsill.
6. Relieve a sore throat. Cut a lemon in half. Skewer one half over a medium flame on a gas stove or an electric burner set on high and roast until the peel turns golden brown. Let cool slightly, then mix the juice with 1 teaspoon of honey. Swallow the mixture.
7. Whiten fingernails. Rub a wedge on the surface of your nails.
8. Shine the interior of copper cookware. Sprinkle a lemon wedge with salt, then scrub.
9. Brighten laundry whites. Add 1/2 cup lemon juice to the wash cycle of a normal-size load.
10. Remove soft cheese or other sticky foods from a grater. Rub both sides of the grater with the pulp side of a cut lemon.

us open history

Jun 16, 2008
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as you know im a big golf dork. if you are not watching this right now, youre missing out. this is the shit! go tiger! off to seven we go. un-freaking-believable! this guy is a machine. i cant believe our power almost went out again at a moment like this...im being updated live here http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/usopen08/columns/story?columnist=sobel_jason&page=usopenblog check it out for yourself. simply amazing!

50 things you should know how to do

Jun 16, 2008
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after stumbling upon this website the other day and mentioning it to carly she suggested i include it here. since i know i have a vast array of readers (haha) im sure this will be popular. quite an interesting list of 50 things...and we all know my fetish with lists. can you do all 50?

thanks to http://www.marcandangel.com/2008/06/02/50-things-everyone-should-know-how-to-do/ for the list.

1. Build a Fire – Fire produces heat and light, two basic necessities for living. At some point in your life this knowledge may be vital.

2. Operate a Computer – Fundamental computer knowledge is essential these days. Please, help those in need.

3. Use Google Effectively – Google knows everything. If you’re having trouble finding something with Google, it’s you that needs help.

4. Perform CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver – Someday it may be your wife, husband, son or daughter that needs help.

5. Drive a Manual Transmission Vehicle – There will come a time when you’ll be stuck without this knowledge.

6. Do Basic Cooking – If you can’t cook your own steak and eggs, you probably aren’t going to make it.

7. Tell a Story that Captivates People’s Attention – If you can’t captivate their attention, you should probably just save your breath.

8. Win or Avoid a Fistfight – Either way, you win.

9. Deliver Bad News – Somebody has got to do it. Unfortunately, someday that person will be you.

10. Change a Tire – Because tires have air in them, and things with air in them eventually pop.

11. Handle a Job Interview – I promise, sweating yourself into a nervous panic won’t land you the job.

12. Manage Time – Not doing so is called wasting time, which is okay sometimes, but not all the time.

13. Speed Read – Sometimes you just need the basic gist, and you needed it 5 minutes ago.

14. Remember Names – Do you like when someone tries to get your attention by screaming “hey you”?

15. Relocate Living Spaces – Relocating is always a little tougher than you originaly imagined.

16. Travel Light – Bring only the necessities. It’s the cheaper, easier, smarter thing to do.

17. Handle the Police – Because jail isn’t fun… and neither is Bubba.

18. Give Driving Directions – Nobody likes driving around in circles. Get this one right the first time.

19. Perform Basic First Aid – You don’t have to be a doctor, or genius, to properly dress a wound.

20. Swim – 71% of the Earth’s surface is covered by water. Learning to swim might be a good idea.

21. Parallel Park – Parallel parking is a requirement on most standard driver’s license driving tests, yet so many people have no clue how to do it. How could this be?

22. Recognize Personal Alcohol Limits – Otherwise you may wind up like this charming fellow.

23. Select Good Produce – Rotten fruits and vegetables can be an evil tease and an awful surprise.

24. Handle a Hammer, Axe or Handsaw – Carpenters are not the only ones who need tools. Everyone should have a basic understanding of basic hand tools.

25. Make a Simple Budget – Being in debt is not fun. A simple budget is the key.

26. Speak at Least Two Common Languages – Only about 25% of the world’s population speaks English. It would be nice if you could communicate with at least some of the remaining 75%.

27. Do Push-Ups and Sit-Ups Properly – Improper push-ups and sit-ups do nothing but hurt your body and waste your time.

28. Give a Compliment – It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give someone, and it’s free.

29. Negotiate – The better deal is only a question or two away.

30. Listen Carefully to Others – The more you listen and the less you talk, the more you will learn and the less you will miss.

31. Recite Basic Geography – If you don’t know where anything is outside of your own little bubble, most people will assume (and they are probably correct) that you don’t know too much at all.

32. Paint a Room – The true cost of painting is 90% labor. For simple painting jobs it makes no sense to pay someone 9 times what it would cost you to do it yourself.

33. Make a Short, Informative Public Speech – At the next company meeting if your boss asks you to explain what you’ve been working on over the last month, a short, clear, informative response is surely your best bet. “Duhhh…” will not cut it.

34. Smile for the Camera – People that absolutely refuse to smile for the camera suck!

35. Flirt Without Looking Ridiculous – There is a fine line between successful flirting and utter disaster. If you try too hard, you lose. If you don’t try hard enough, you lose.

36. Take Useful Notes – Because useless notes are useless, and not taking notes is a recipe for failure.

37. Be a Respectful House Guest – Otherwise you will be staying in a lot of hotels over the years.

38. Make a Good First Impression – Aristotle once said, “well begun is half done.”

39. Navigate with a Map and Compass – What happens when the GPS craps out and you’re in the middle of nowhere?

40. Sew a Button onto Clothing – It sure is cheaper than buying a new shirt.

41. Hook Up a Basic Home Theater System – This isn’t rocket science. Paying someone to do this shows sheer laziness.

42. Type – Learning to type could save you days worth of time over the course of your lifetime.

43. Protect Personal Identity Information – Personal identity theft is not fun unless you are the thief. Don’t be careless.

44. Implement Basic Computer Security Best Practices – You don’t have to be a computer science major to understand the fundamentals of creating complex passwords and using firewalls. Doing so will surely save you a lot of grief someday.

45. Detect a Lie – People will lie to you. It’s a sad fact of life.

46. End a Date Politely Without Making Promises – There is no excuse for making promises you do not intend to keep. There is also no reason why you should have to make a decision on the spot about someone you hardly know.

47. Remove a Stain – Once again, it’s far cheaper than buying a new one.

48. Keep a Clean House – A clean house is the foundation for a clean, organized lifestyle.

49. Hold a Baby – Trust me, injuring a baby is not what you want to do.

50. Jump Start a Car – It sure beats walking or paying for a tow truck.

for the love of lists

Jun 13, 2008
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1. im totes psyched about chris coming in tonight...holler! tasty tastes.
2. im over work today.
3. my birthday was pretty ridiculous...ridiculously amazing. totes appreesch to all those peeps out there who made it special. mad love. you know who you are.
4. i have a shitton of bug bites and they are itching....arrrr!!
5. last night at our game i got drilled by the softball...in the knee cap. how does that even happen? werent there less dense bigger parts of my body this thing could have smashed into? i think so. ouchies.
6. i found this super interesting website today that reports on Co2 emissions, deaths, birth, ect; around the world. apparently someone dies every 12.5 seconds in the US. in iceland its only every 4 hours. thats where im going to retire!
7. im going through SH withdrawl. its pretty serious too. i hope i recover soon.
8. my pool is finally open. way to go condo ppl! i think they opened late b/c i missed that last board meeting. snakes! (unfortunately the real story, since im on the board, is that some crazy mofo dumped trans fluid in our water. blasphemy!)
9. i hear the latest weezer album is pretty much their best album ever. i fully intend to find out. i heard heart songs yest and was impressed... updates to follow.
10. i finally took some picture of my herb garden. check em out!

11. i got new clubs for my b-day. ive now become super obessed with golf (insert appropriate stereotype here). its quite comical really b/c the more i try to focus on driving my left foot down to really power my irons out of the ground and straighten my back leg to get the power torque on my drives like tiger does i really really choke. like so bad i either miss completely or hit the ball 50ft. yay cait! here are some nice golf pics for a visual. carly didnt get any of me in action :-( next time i hope! check on that hottie in the pink...holler!